


You're Not the Monster in this Story, I am

by Nocticola



Category: Haven (TV)
Genre: Episode: s04e10 The Trouble With Troubles, Episode: s04e11 Shot in the Dark, Episode: s04e12 When The Bough Breaks, Episode: s04e13 The Lighthouse, Episode: s05e01 See No Evil, Episode: s05e02 Speak No Evil, Episode: s05e03 Spotlight, Episode: s05e04 Much Ado About Mara, Episode: s05e05-06 The Old Switcheroo Parts 1-2, Episode: s05e07 Nowhere Man, Episode: s05e08 Exposure, Episode: s05e09 Morbidity, Episode: s05e13 Chosen, Episode: s05e14 New World Order, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-20 15:09:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11923497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nocticola/pseuds/Nocticola
Summary: Audrey finds out who she really is.





	1. Audrey the Creator

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this tumblr prompt http://fyotpprompts.tumblr.com/post/162493358810/you-arent-the-monster-in-this-story-i-am. 
> 
> Couldn't help but think about Nathan and Audrey and Mara.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Audrey finally tells Nathan she created the Troubles  
> 

She can’t help worrying about William’s words. What could he mean? She wants to figure this out. And if it was just her, she would probably keep working all night. But she’s not alone. She loves seeing Nathan so calm, playful, loving. Such a difference from the way he’s been so long. He’s a good distraction to her troubled (pun intended) mind. They’re going to figure this out. Later.  
##  
"You made the Troubles. You’re being punished," William tells her with manic grief in his eyes.

No. No, that can’t be true (but it also _feels_ true). How could she have done this? Cause all this pain, why? For her own amusement? For William? Why would she have done this? 

Part of her wants to know, craves an explanation. A bigger part, she’s ashamed to admit, just wants William *gone*, before he can tell everyone. Tell Duke. Tell *Nathan*. How could they stand her after they knew the truth? If William is right, how will she live with herself? 

Then she gets shot, and suddenly none of this matters when her world goes dark.

##

She is not quite sure how to handle Nathan right now. He is so worried, so guilty. She doesn’t know how to make him feel better. She feels guilty for keeping what William told her from him. But she’s not quite ready to lose the way he looks at her, the way he loves her. She’s selfish like that. She wants to tell him. She knows she needs to. But she’s not ready for Nathan to know. 

##

It’s reached a breaking point. Nathan can tell she’s not telling him everything, and it’s affecting how she’s handling this godforsaken (did *she* forsake this town?) Harker Trouble. Nathan is the supportive Nathan he always is, and there is a part of her that wants to keep lying to him, to keep him. There is a part that wants to drive him away again, to keep him safe, to give him something better than her.  
“We can deal with this.”

“You might not want to.” Because how could he? How could he want her after what she tells him? She can barely stand herself because of what she now knows about herself, how could Nathan feel any differently, given how much the Troubles have cost him. (Now she knows who he could’ve been, a doctor with a beautiful wife and child. She robbed him of that, with the curse she gave his family centuries ago.)

“Talk to me, Parker.”  
“I made the Troubles. With William. We used to give people Troubles, together. Yours, everyone’s. He wants me to do it again. To be the person I used to be.”  
“You are Audrey Parker. You don’t give people Troubles. You save them.”

Audrey wishes she was more comforted by Nathan’s words, but she suspect the full weight of what she’s telling him hasn’t hit him yet. How could he say something like that, if he truly grasped the situation?

“It’s not that simple, Nathan.” She needs to make him understand.  
“To me it is. I told you, I don’t care who were, what you did. You are Audrey Parker, and that’s all I care about.”  
“This is a *punishment*, Nathan. I created your Trouble. All the pain you’ve gone through over your life, it was because of me. All the pain in your family. The pain of the Chief, of Jordan, Dwight, so many people in this town. It’s all because of me.”  
“You’re not her. You haven’t been her in centuries. You’ve changed. You’re different now.”  
“William thinks he can bring the old me, the *real* me back.”  
“He won’t. You’re too strong for that.” Nathan holds her face in his hands, like he could transmit all of his strength into her through them, making them overcome everything. 

She doesn’t know whether she wants to laugh or cry because of Nathan. She doesn’t share his confidence on her strength. The situation is tricky and filled with dark magic and possibly weird biology, and William’s touch awakes something in her that she doesn’t want to think about. Nathan can’t know what might happen if she Troubles someone. There are other things they need to finally talk about. She takes his hands from her face, but keeps holding onto both of them. Nathan doesn’t hate her yet, and she doesn’t want to lose that connection before she has to. 

“Nathan, you spent months hating yourself, having everyone blame you, for stopping the cycle from ending. And, if I’m honest, I was angry too. I made the choice to go to the Barn, to accept my punishment. Because that is what *this* is, a punishment. But I also can’t say that I don’t love you for making that choice. “ She drops one of his hands to touch his face. Nathan leans into her touch. She will miss that.  
“But we have to face that… I wasn’t worth that choice. I deserve this punishment. Because I did this.”

Nathan keeps her hand on his cheek. It is such a sweet touch but there is a ferocity in his eyes she rarely sees in them.  
“I disagree. You are worth all of this. You’ve spent generations, centuries, helping people, sacrificing yourself over and over. I will never stop feeling guilty about what I did, or stop trying to end the Troubles for good, but don’t regret the end result. I don’t regret us.”  
“Nathan… This is my punishment.”  
“I don’t care.”  
“You probably should.”


	2. Mara is no one I'd want to be  (4x13-5x6)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this has taken forever, I wanted to do a rewatch. Now that's done up to this point, I'm actually splitting this chapter into 2 and publishing the second one very soon. 
> 
> There will also be a final chapter after these two.

Troubleing people, she can feel *her* stirring underneath. Her name was Mara, and she did terrible things, just because she wanted to. William was her faithful companion, doing everything he could to protect her. She liked that. She liked giving Troubles.

"Parker." Nathan's voice pulls her back. Nathan's trust in her is the something she needs to pull through this. She has no idea where that trust comes from.

It's almost funny, that her final act of agency is what pulls Mara to the surface and overtakes Audrey. Pushing William through that door, wanting to do it herself, it's what consumed her in the end. All the promises of suburban bliss weren't enough. She so wanted it to be. 

###

Being inside Mara feels like drowning. She's not quite sure how she is doing it, how does she still exist. But she's grateful. She stops Mara from killing Nathan. She doesn't know how, but that is her first glimpse of breaking through Mara. 'Don't kill him,' is all she can think at Mara, and she doesn't.

The gratefulness grows when she can feel Nathan's lips on hers and she manages to pull to the surface. Nathan looks so worried but he trusts that it is really her. Being pulled back under by Mara's consciousness is painful. She wants to stay.

She hates what Mara is doing to Haven. She wants to stop her. She wants to be strong enough. To stay and fight her. To stop having only brief moments with Nathan writh with pain. To try to make up for all of Mara's destruction.

She knows what Mara thanks, how Mara thinks when Mara thinks it. She wishes she could do more with that. To know what Mara knows. It would be so helpful. But at least she can help her boys through Mara's manipulations and lies.

But afterwards, she can't break through anymore. She tries and tries, and Mara lies and lies and she can't do anything about it.

She fears it's all over until suddenly, it's like someone grabbed her and pulled her through from the depths of the ocean and she is back. 

She is naked, and cold and confused. She hears voices and steps and then she looks up to see Nathan. Smiling Nathan, falling to his knees to hold her and she doesn't care what just happened or where she is because now she's *home*.

She sees Duke (and Mara) and says what she has wanted to say for so long, since she survived Mara's takeover. 

"Thank you."


	3. I'm just Audrey Parker (5x7-5x8)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Audrey is back in her own body but without a connection to Mara or immunity to the Troubles.(Bridges 5x6 and 5x7 and covers 5x7-5x8)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a rather quick update. Partly because I split the chapter again.  
> Anyway, I have at least one more chapter for this, dealing with rest of 5a. I hope to finish this during 2017, so hopefully another quick update is coming.  
> Enjoy!
> 
> Fic Art: https://demisexualnathanvuornos.tumblr.com/post/168958431008/youre-not-the-monster-in-this-story-i-am-chapter

Audrey holds on to Nathan like he is the only thing keeping her connected to this world. She is cold and shivering but she doesn't want to let go of Nathan.

"Hold on to Mara," Nathan tells Duke and pulls back just enough that he can take of his leather jacket and put it on Audrey. The leather feels weird on her naked body but it helps with the cold a bit.

"Take Mara to the Rouge, but don't let anyone see you. We'll follow you and then we'll talk."

"OK, Nathan. I'm glad you're back, Audrey." 

"She can't be back, since she's never existed before. And I'm not glad she exists now!" [Don't talk, don't exist, please go away, I don't want to see you or hear you, I don't want to be you] 

"Shut up, Mara," Nathan yells at the disappearing Mara before turning back to Audrey, holding her face in her hands.

"You're back," he whispers and kisses her forehead a bit too forcefully. Then he holds his forehead on hers, just enjoying the connection like she is, before helping her up from the floor. Seeing most of her naked body under his jacket, he goes speechless for a moment and she enjoys the effect she has on him.  
"Lets get you some clothes," he tells her in a hoarse voice after he has left her on her bed, and a blanket has replaced his jacket. She holds it tightly around her to ward off the cold and get the slight leftover scent of Nathan.

Nathan comes back with underwear, a gray Henley and some jeans. He lingers afterwards, not sure whether to leave her or not. It makes her blush. Of course Nathan's already seen and felt everything but this feels different. She takes Nathan's hand and he looks down at that.

"I can... I can dress myself Nathan. We need to see Duke. Figure out what happened."

Nathan looks at her, nods and kisses her. "I'll wait outside."

And suddenly, Audrey is all alone. There is no one else in her head. There are no thoughts from Mara, no connection to Lexie or Lucy or Sarah. It's just *her*.

She puts on her clothes quickly and walks on wobbly legs to the nearest mirror. She stares at herself for a minute. She doesn't know what to think. Nathan knocks on her door, and she can't help the smile that crosses her face. Her walking is stronger when she gets to her door. Nathan looks down to take her hand and they start to make their way to the Rouge.

###

There is something so very comforting, hearing Nathan and Duke talk like this. She wishes it wasn't about her and her mysterious appearance but it is familiar. Once again, they know nothing.

Having to explain what she feels, about everything, about herself, about Mara, it wipes her out. 

"I'm just... me. I'm just going to be Audrey Parker, for good." It's what she's wanted since she found out about Mara. She hopes desperately that Nathan is wrong. She hated her connection to William but being connected to Mara would be somehow worse. She needs a shower. She needs to sleep in her own bed. She wants Nathan's touch to proof she *is* herself. So she leaves and waits for Nathan. 

***

The shower helps her clean herself raw from being (inside)Mara. 

Nathan's touch helps more. She knows about the kiss. Before she almost crushed her for good, Mara made sure to think about it intensively, so Audrey would know. Nathan doesn't kiss her like he kissed Mara. With despair. For feeling. For Audrey.  
Now, he is gentle, almost unsure, reverential. It makes her feels so wanted and cherished. To Nathan, she's not tainted from Mara. She falls asleep in his arms, loved and safe.

***

She feels the need to connect with Nathan again in the morning. She wants to escape normality longer. To just *be* with him, just the two of them, for as long as they can. Nathan has no problem obliging her wishes.

But they can't escape Haven for long. Nathan's phone beeps, foreboding Troubles. Nathan turns serious. Case face. She tells him how she missed that. Missed him.

Nathan turns quiet, withdrawn. He jokes about not going on the case, which is unlike him. Something is wrong.

His revelation catches her off guard. She's not immune anymore? How... How would Nathan know that?

"Because I can't feel you anymore," he tells her while she is stroking his stubbled chin. Was there... Was there something she missed? Was she so caught up in all this she didn't notice something like that?

Nathan tells her it doesn't matter to him, and maybe he's telling the truth, she'll give his recent performance that. (She still wonders about it, though)

But why didn't he tell her right away? He... he knew right away. He held her naked body in his arms and didn't feel a thing. That must have been scary, worrying. It's so Nathan to feel like that.

She is not only just Audrey Parker, now, she's *normal*. She hopes it doesn't complicate dealing with the Troubles too much, but... This is what she *does*, what they do. Audrey Parker helps with the Troubles and that is what she will continue to do. It's how she'll prove to everyone that she is really Audrey. She needs to show herself she can still do this without her immunity.

###

She almost loses Nathan and almost gets killed on her first few days without her immunity. Nathan remains invisible to her (but not to Mara) and some people in the Guard are so desperate as to threathen her life to get fixed. She wishes there was something she could do for everyone but she can't.

Dealing with everything without Nathan is hard. Are they ever allowed to just *be*? She worries she won't be able to do this without him. She hasn't had to, before, not like this. She misses his presense, his voice. His support.

When the solution to the Trouble keeps eluditing her, she grows frustrated and worried. How can she help the people of Haven when she doesn't connect with the Troubles anymore, when she can't offer anyone relief from their Troubles?

Luckily, in the end, her lack of immunity allows her to find Nathan and together they talk down Amy Potter and rescue who knows how many people that she has accidentally made into ghosts. It showed to her that she can still do this. Without her immunity, even without Nathan. It's a relief. It makes it feel like herself. She is still Audrey Parker. 

Nathan still worries, about whether they deserve this. Reggie made a number on Nathan's guilt complex. They are doing good. She has to believe they are fixing some of the things Mara broke and that eventually they will fix it for good. But until then, they are allowed to be together and love each other. They deserve it.


	4. You make me uneasy/You make me want to vomit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one finally deals with Audrey & Mara interaction, few that they are. So the emphasis is on 5x9 and 5x13.
> 
> Fic Art: https://demisexualnathanvuornos.tumblr.com/post/169045531348/youre-not-the-monster-in-this-story-i

She hates that it has come to this. But there is something about this Trouble that keeps eluding her. There must be *something* she hasn't thought of. That she *can't* think of. Because she's not Mara anymore. But dealing with this Trouble is more important than Audrey's hurt pride or her need to prove herself. She needs to stop this Trouble, soon. And it seemed like today would be oh so nice.

Hearing her own voice (yet it's different, somehow) through the phone is really surreal experience. Mara's thoughts about her existence really do not help. But she hasn't called Mara for an ontological debate. She's here to figure out this Trouble. Nothing more. She exists, she is Audrey Parker, that is enough.

Mara can't help, after all. Audrey has the Trouble figured out. It's about loss. For some reason, she just can't make it OK. Can't convince Eve she is safe. But she can deal with the Trouble in another way. Just take Eve out of Haven. Have the dancing bears follow her. That way Haven can be safe from exposure to the CDC. It's not ideal, but it is better than nothing.

She's figuring out there is something else involved, here. Something else is affecting the Trouble, why it won't go away. But she can't help but worry about Mara's words. What if she has lost her mojo?

###

She can feel her body dying, falling apart. She knows something is wrong and she fears there's nothing to be done to fix it. She wants to stay Audrey Parker. She finally knows who and what she is. But she's not allowed. She shouldn't exist. (But she *wants* to. Shouldn't that matter?)

###

Seeing Mara, being face to face with her like this, it makes her squisy. Mara telling her what she's done to Duke, her latest horrific crime in a long list of them, doesn't help. She has a dying body, a town and Duke to save and a doppelganger to stop. She's not sure she can. 

It's almost funny, that the reason she stayed in Haven, why she has a home and people to call a family, was because she was looking for a mother. Her mother. But she doesn't have one, not really. At least it's closure.

She is going to die. Cease to exist. She's known it for a while. But having it made explicit? It hurts. But Mara has to be stopped. She cannot be allowed to continue on her destructive path. Maybe, maybe Audey can stop her. By dying. Becoming Mara again. Making Mara complete. She doesn't want to but she has to.

Audrey will not go down quietly. "And everytime I see you, it makes me want to vomit." She catches Mara's first fist but is defeated by the other. This is it, then. (She wanted to say goodbye, but she's not allowed to, this time. Time runs out on her)

Charlotte talks Mara down, convinces her to do this. Audrey's time is up. No more Duke. No more Haven. No more Nathan ("Audrey!" at least she heard his voice, one more time). Audrey's story is done....

***

But then, somehow, it isn't. Nathan calls her Mara, but that is not her name. 

"It's me." 

"Audrey?" 

"Parker." 

Then it's all explanations and reveals (Charlotte *chose* her? Changed her daughter? She doesn't know how to feel about her choice. She doesn't know how to feel about many of Charlotte's parental choices; Duke is *safe*) and then it's Nathan's arms around her and she feels *alive* and *whole* for the first time in forever.

It feels even realer when Nathan's tells her quietly that he can feel her again, holding onto her hands. She can't wait to try it out. For a moment, everything seems right.

***

Unfortunately, then everything goes to hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes! I managed to finish this in 3 months. Sorry for the wait after chapter 1!


	5. Post-merge (M)Audrey (5x14-5x15)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post 5x14 Pre-5x15  
> Audrey's thoughts on being merged with Mara.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last section has sexual content
> 
> Fic Art: https://demisexualnathanvuornos.tumblr.com/post/176870633903/youre-not-the-monster-in-this-story-i-am-chapter

Audrey looks at her reflection more often these days, more searchingly, than she used to, looking for Mara. Bathroom breaks, brushing her teeth before bed, for her there is always an extra moment of just staring in the mirror, trying to find a trace of the woman whose body she’s in, who she used to be. (She can’t ignore that the body was Mara’s, since she has a missing pinky toe.) When she’s with Nathan, she also looks for any hesitation in his gaze, any telltale sign, that she’s not just Audrey. That he sees someone different in her. She never finds one, not in the mirror or in Nathan’s eyes, not really.

(Occasionally, her mind wonders towards Duke, and whether he could see a difference. But she shuts those thoughts down quickly, before her anger at Duke, and her fear of what Duke might see in her, gets the better of her)

“It’s funny, you don’t really look the same,” Nathan once told her, after he stopped being a ghost, before she got sick. They were lying in bed together, Audrey listening to Nathan’s steady heartbeat, while he stroked her hair. She looked up at Nathan, then, a question in her eyes. 

“How could that be? We’re the same person.” 

Nathan fell quiet, shrugged, and with full sincerity and earnestness, told her “It’s the eyes,” before he kissed her hair and pulled her back down to his chest. 

*** 

“A drop of white paint in a bucket of black,” is how Charlotte, Mara’s mother, explained the merge, the combining. Audrey Parker was supposed to stop existing, leaving only Mara, finally whole. The metaphor should work both ways, right? So, now it’s only Audrey, with Mara just a tiny bit of black paint within her. Can it really be that simple? 

Even though she doesn’t feel like she can approve of Charlotte’s choice, she’s grateful for it. But using a woman after woman, stealing personalities and memories to fix her daughter, and in the end choosing the latest overlay? It’s fucked up. The fact that who she *is*, the person she is beyond her memories of Audrey Prudence Parker, FBI agent, and Lexie DeWitt, bartender, is a combination of all these women she’s been, all the women that were forced on Mara… she would rather not think about it. All the love and loss she’s endured, to get to this place, to being this person. How much of that is Mara? How much of her even could still be Mara? How much of the original Mara was left, under everyone she's been? Charlotte said that Audrey is like the original Mara, but Audrey could not look at the person Mara had become and see herself in her. (Maybe she just doesn't want to)

*** 

She has once again finished brushing her teeth, and taken too long to stare in the mirror, looking for a stranger behind her eyes, but finding none. She wants to stop thinking about all this, about her identity, who she is and who she should be, or could be. She wants to forget all that. So, she leaves her bathroom and makes her way to her bed, which she now shares with Nathan. 

Nathan looks calm, peaceful, his eyes closed, almost asleep. But that won’t do, not tonight, not when she needs Nathan’s help. Instead of going to her side of the bed, she leans on Nathan, kissing his lips. In no time, Nathan is fully awake, kissing her back, hands on her face, and with a simple touch, he’s ready. Audrey never told him what a turn on his reactions to her touch could be, that open, naked *need* in his eyes, the sounds he makes. She missed it when she didn’t have her immunity but she’s glad she didn’t tell Nathan that. Nathan is so self-conscious and insecure already, so delicate, especially about his Trouble, she didn't want to add to that. But she can't help her reactions (is that Mara, enjoying the effects of her creation?), and maybe she will tell Nathan someday. But not now. 

Tonight, she on top and rides Nathan until her brain turns to mush, and the only thing she can think of is how good it feels, how glad she is to be *this* person, who get that have this. Nathan’s hands are on her thighs and he bucks underneath her, constantly chanting,  
“Audrey, Audrey, Audrey,” on a seemingly endless loop, like she’s a pagan goddess and he’s her most loyal worshipper, her high priest. 

She supposes it doesn’t really matter if a part of her is Mara now, that she’s not just Audrey Parker, but Lexie, Sarah, Lucy, Veronica, all the other dozen or so women whose names she doesn’t know, will never know. She's a product of them all and she's going to finally save this town. There's a core of her that is finally at peace. (Yet, her mind is a different thing)

After they both finish, they once again lay together in bed, chest against chest, gathering their breaths, sweaty and satisfied. Audrey is just about to fall asleep when Nathan asks, 

"Do you feel better now?" 

She turns her head to looks at Nathan. She touches his chin, the stubble there. Nathan's eyes are sleepy yet concerned. He notices so much more than he lets people think. Audrey wants reassure him with a smile, and she's happy to notice that it's not an act, her smile is genuine. She kisses him, and pulls back slightly to whisper against his lips, "Yes." And she really does.

Nathan nods, and they fall asleep in each others arms. Audrey's mind and body are both sated, for now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter is a Mara perspective.


	6. Mara and the husks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mara's perspective on Audrey and all the other husks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fic Art: https://demisexualnathanvuornos.tumblr.com/post/176871019613/youre-not-the-monster-in-this-story-i

They mean nothing to her. Less than nothing. They were not real, so Mara has no reason to think anything of the husks that took over her body, over and over again. Lexie, Audrey, Lucy, Sarah, Veronica, and all the others. (She remembers all of their names. Of course she does. That doesn't mean anything, though.) They existed at her expense. Instead of her. 

She could have been living out her life, 500 years of it, but instead all those husks were given scraps. 6 months, a year, barely an existence. Still more than any of them deserved. Living in Mara's body, loving and changing, losing and griefing like it was their life to live. 

They do share something, though. They all chose to go into the Barn. Even at the start, Mara had to choose to go. She had to accept her punishment. The Barn was the most lenient punishment. Her people are not happy with people using the Aether. It was the Void, or death. Charlotte pulled all her strings to get her a third option. She accepted that punishment, then. She knew she'd eventually get out. William was nothing if not persistent. She just had to wait for someone like Nathan Wuornos. 

She should have killed Nathan when she had a chance. Nathan was nothing but a means to an end and when he filled his purpose, he was as useful to her as William in the Void. Especially because of his stubborn loyalty was to the wrong woman. Woman who never even really existed. He meant nothing to her. Yet she couldn't kill him. Something stopped her from finishing the job. Someone. 

Audrey fucking Parker. The husk that won't die. Knowing she made appearances when she slept, when she was weak, was devasting. She was free, but she wasn't *free *. Still being punished, but not by her people, not by her mother. She doesn't understand it. But she could use it. 

None of her husks should have had an impact on her. They were parasites, inserting their own memories into Mara's existence, acting like it was theirs. But those memories allowed her to manipulate the weak men (no other woman survives Haven) around her, pretend she was Audrey. That didn't last long, but she made a good effort. Too bad she had already created something that spelled her doom. 

Audrey Parker was not supposed to exist anymore. She should have been destroyed, just like all the other women Mara has been over the centuries, when Mara gained control. She certainly wasn't supposed to get her own body, defective as it is. When she hears she's dying, she's fucking glad. Audrey, just like other the other husks, didn't deserve to use her body to live their short, pathetic, lives. She shouldn't be rewarded with something like this. 

Since she came back, she always felt like there was something *off *. She doesn't mind the shitty reception, all these men staring at her, wishing she was someone else. The truth does bother her somewhat that that she's not quite as good as Charlotte and everyone thought she was, because she can't remove a Trouble, only modify them, especially when she doesn't even have enough Aether to really get to do that either. And, well, naturally there is something different in her since she just spent 500 years being used by over a dozen different women to live their own lives. So, she's allowed to be angry. 

But that 'off'-ness intensifying when Audrey leaves her body, however the fuck that happened. It rattles her, and she needs to regain control. Spending a day in and out with Duke let her do that. He was easy to manipulate for her own ends, to let her finish her experiments with Aether. And she succeeds. The Troubles in Duke are her real masterpiece. 

But she feels empty. She tries not to, doesn't want her mother to be right, doesn't want to connect with Audrey husk, doesn't care about Audrey's love for this town and its people. She doesn't want to deal with the responsibility for the pain she caused. She'll accept the responsibility, of course, it was her doing, but what she did, it made the people of Haven *better *. She shouldn't be punished for that. She should have been rewarded by her people, she should have been thanked by every Troubled person she came across for making them special. She feels empty because she was not given her due. 

Or that's what she tells herself as she plans her final masterpiece. But really, she's empty because parts of her are missing. She feels herself separate from her husks, but that doesn't mean she really is. The husks build on her foundation. They were chosen to make her whole, again. They paid for her crime, got credit for her achievements. They're a part of her she can't deny. 

She's angry, but she's tired of that. Tired of being used over and over again. She hates being this person. She also loves being this person, because it's who she is and she's earned it but sometimes it's so tiring. She really wants some peace. 

So, she accepts Audrey Parker into herself again. Because Audrey was sometimes happy, and she wants to be real and given credit. Maybe she wants it to be over. She finished her final creation, the Trouble bomb, so she's done. That is her insurance policy, her possible final gift. Because she does want to survive. But no matter what, she'll always be remembered. 

More than any other reason, she wants to be whole. For that, she needs Audrey Parker. Destroyer and the Savior. Finally united.


End file.
